A Mindset to Redirect + Focus

Since having kids, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told “You’ll always feel like you’re failing at work or failing at home, and that’s ok.” The statement quickly followed up with, “It’s just part of being a working mom. Keep your head up, you’re enough.”

The comments from friends, colleagues, and even acquaintances always came across as well-intentioned … their way of showing support and reinforcing that they, too, were working so hard to juggle it all.

Maybe it’s because my kids are becoming more independent, maybe I’m asking for help more often, or maybe it’s because I’ve simply just come to terms with embracing the chaos. In any case, I’m not buying this idea of “always failing” in some aspect of life.

Would I like to cook at home more, get to the gym a few times a week, feel rested with a full eight hours of sleep every night and attend more social events? Sure, wouldn’t we all? But … let’s be clear, it’s not failing if these things don’t happen in the way I thought they would, or if they don’t happen at all.

I’ve let go of this mindset that if one aspect of my day-to-day is going well, something else has to totally be falling apart. It may actually just mean that I’m in a good groove, not sweating the small stuff and going with the flow. Letting go of the “survive and advance” mentality to meet whatever arbitrary expectation is placed on me – or more ridiculously – the ones I’ve placed on myself.

I’ve followed Mel Robbins for many years, and she recently talked about the “let them theory.” It’s a mindset change from trying to control perceptions, situations and their outcomes to controlling your response to those perceptions, situations and outcomes. A few examples:

Perception that I’m “so busy” all the time … let them. The reality is, I am busy. I have two little kids, a husband who travels a ton for work, a big job. I run a tight ship and I am constantly “coming in hot” because, well, that’s just how I roll these days. But, does that mean I’m too busy to invest in relationships and am not accessible? No way – quite the opposite. I deeply value the people I spend time with, and I covet the limited time I do have.
That saying “no” to things more than I say “yes” means I’m missing opportunities … let them. In the past, I said yes to almost everything – especially to serve on nonprofit boards and volunteer with community groups. But … as I’ve grown my family and career I am very intentional with what I commit to. I try to evaluate two things: how does my involvement further the mission of the effort/group, and in return, how does my involvement further my personal/professional development. If there seems to be a misalignment to either of these questions, I say no.
Worrying that setting boundaries will come across as lack of commitment … let them. Setting boundaries is really hard, but ultimately, they make me better on all fronts … a better mom, wife, friend, colleague. These boundaries allow dedicated time for the things that matter most to me.

Why is this “let them theory” so important? It puts the focus back on YOU. It forces you reflect on what matters at your core and how you want to show up for yourself. It redirects your energy, and that’s powerful.

So, I let them. Will you?